meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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