I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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