my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
