i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
