Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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