If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
