i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
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