I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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