god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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