Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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