Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
