I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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