You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
