girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize