Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
