I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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