Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
