We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
