you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
