I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
