You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
