Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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