ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Randomize
