Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
