headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
