everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
