6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
