I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize