Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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