don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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