girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
