Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
