Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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