Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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