We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
