i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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