I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
