did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You are the jesus of drinking
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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