He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
i think my cat just said my name.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
