i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
