Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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