he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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