Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
