All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I have so many feelings about this burrito
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
