Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
