I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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