He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
