I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Just invented taco cereal.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
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