the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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