my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
my poor anus
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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