I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I need a beard to bite.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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