there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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