I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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