We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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