Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
