I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
We have started to decorate penises.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
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