he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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